Curse of growing up on the fast track
How many times do i start wondering, if its just me, or if its everyone that went away or took over responsibilites at a young age.
Well the thing is. Everyone always tells me, wow you ve done this, you ve done that. You were able to go there and experience this. Well for me it might have been more of a curse then it gave me joy. I mean of course I had tons of fun and i m grateful for the experience, yet since i came back I think i m suffering from it.
It might be like a drug. If you do something all the time and then its not there anymore, you miss it and when you cant get it, it affects your mood and your feelings. And when you get it, its not enough anymore, you need more, you need it better.
Again, to not get me wrong i cherished all these possibilites, but now I feel like I m missing something all the time. When i went for a one week vacatino to canada everyone was jealous, while for me, it was like i didnt even go away. I wasnt even excited to go, even though toronto is the place where i d love to settle. Its cause its nothing special for me anymore.
So when people tell me, wow you ve done this and that and been there etc....for me its more like...yeah i would have happily traded with you, if thats what makes me happy.
Also I ve been in a posistion where i ve coached kids over several years. That is actually where you really have a chance to make an impact on not just kids as your players, but kids as people. Believe me, its amazing how much impact a coach can have on kids, even though he only seems them 2-5 hours a week. They look up to you, they see what you re doing. They often wanna be like you. So you also have to be very careful of what you re doing. Well now after about 8 years, i ve stopped coaching the kids. I ve arrived in the top class, as coaching men is often considered. Its like moving up from the minors to the majors, yet for me, I know i m gonna miss coaching kids or players that are willing to learn or that need to learn. Well of course we have that in the mens too, but you cant really shape them that much anymore and you can barely shape them as a person anymore.
Also working 3 jobs, while graduating from highschool and coaching and playing baseball and just working full time and still studying and stuff like that. its nice and i m glad i ve accomplised it. sometimes i m even proud of it, cause i was able to do something like that, but then on other days, i just feel like there is a hole in my life, cause right now i m not doing it. Well of course i m also in a transition phase, where i m waiting to graduate and get a job, but yes i might just have become a workaholic.
You know a while ago this afternoon, i had nothing to do and most people would be happy with that. just to relax and do nothing, they might play a game or watch tv. things like that are often to boring for me, cause i have shaped peoples minds (at least thats what i d like to think), i ve made an impact on people in other countries and i ve been away to all these places with different emotions, now studying for my finals, just seems so irrelevant as do all of my studies. cause when you go out there and you actually live life on the fast track no one cares bout your studies, no one cares about what you know, they care bout you as a person and what you re willing to do and what you re willing to show them. They see passion and attitude.
Meeting all these people has also helped me see myself in the world better, its helped me understand other people, it made me understand what impact we have on them. And therefore intolerance, naivity and arrogance just make me sick. They make me made and drive me crazy. And when i m around my friends, i often think to myself. What is wrong with you guys? how can you be so rude, how can you be so ignorant. What gives you the right to judge other people. Then of course i wouldnt say anything, because they would probably look at me as if i was from outer space.
And thats really what it is these days, if its relationships or friendships, i often feel alienated and even though i get along with people just fine, there is something that i miss and that i dont get and i know its probably more my fault then my friends faults, but i miss it and it kind of alienates me. I know that in relationships the one thing that all of them complained about was that i didnt open up to them, that i pushed them away and yes they re right, cause i ve tried before and when people dont understand you and dont understand the feelings you re going through its the most painful feeling in the world, especially if there is no one out there that does, cause you just feel lonely. Even in a room of a million people you would still feel lonely. Sometimes the world around you just freezes and you wonder where you are and what you re doing and nothing makes sense anymore.
And even if people say they d understand they really dont. And thats the last thing i need, advice. Cause I pretty much know why i m feeling like i m feeling and why i am like i am, and whats made me the person i am today. And for people to tell me...that its not like that and that they know why and that i should be adjusting differently, well i m sorry...maybe i m stubborn on that part and i probably am, but all the advice i ve gotten so far, wasnt really anything close to helping me and by trying to give me that advice it again showed me how little people understood and that again alienates me.
You know its just hard on the mind, body and soul, when you wake up without a purpose in life. Yes, yes i know you ve got to make an impact on people and we all do make an impact, then again, is that enough? well it aint enough for me. I even tried to write up christmas cards for both of the teams i coached and i brought the kids small gifts from canada. Well i wanted to make these cards really special by writing how much impact that person made, so i wrote 31 individual cards, which actually was an emotional rollercoaster, but i m afraid i wasnt able to put the meaning behind the words that i was trying to say. I hope one or two of them do understand what i meant and how much it means to me to have been part of their life.
Anyways this entry starts becoming to long again.
Well what i was trying to say is, that everyone in life makes different experiences and when the person comes out of it, they have different expectations and different needs. For some it might be heaven on earth, while for others it might just be the hole in the ground.
so to quote a song from a very childish movie, which some people consider to be without a message, it still had a message for me and for now i m just hoping to find a person that has the same effect on me :
It's become so hard For me to be surprised You're bringin back the real me No judgement in your eyes Cuz when I dance with you It's how I speak the truth
(well it might be difficult again to get the message out of the quote, cause there probably is another long story attached but i ll just leave it at that.)
I ll talk to all of you soon!