So another month has past. It seems like nothing happened and thats what I tell people, if they ask me, what has been going on in my life. And yes I guess nothing has happend, yet so much has happened. I know this must sound very confusing, but i think some of you will understand.
I ve gotten up to page 70 on my final thesis. Finally, after almost 2 years of always talking bout it and trying to get there, I have 12 days to finish it and finally hand it in. I ll be getting closer to graduation. Actually its only 3 months from now. Crazy huh. I ll be on the job market after and I really dont know where I m gonna end up. And recently I have had doubts about my goal. I always wanted to be responsible for my own project right out of the gate, but lately i m doubting myself. I dont know why, because every job i ve done i ve excelled at. I guess its just this finally being responsible for something is kind of scary. Well then again I dont even have a job yet, but I guess, I m always 2 steps ahead.
Today was another of those days, where you talk to your friends and all you hear is bad things. some have relationship issues, some have money issues, then there is the once of health and the mental issues. Life never seems to get around for everyone and there will always be the sad side. Just 2 days ago a 19year old kid died and even though i never knew that guy its stuck in my head and i dont know why? Is it cause I m feelin my body being more vulnerable than before?
I really dont know.
See its not all bad around. Most of my friends seem to have found the love of their life and thinkin bout movin in with them, or well some have just found their love. I m really excited for all of them and it seems so wonderful. I just hope it will hold.
As for me. I seem to be busy all day, yet I m not doing anything. I guess I have my mind occupied with the thesis, although I m not really doing anything.
It has come so far that i dont even know what to say anymore. I mean i ve been quiet for some time now, but now its even more like that than before and then when I know the people I really dont mind, only that they seam to mind.
Well I wanna come back to my body one more time. I just figured out I ve played in more than 200 league games for my baseball team, which is quite an accomplishment. I m guessing its about 225-235 total games played in my life. It seems such a small number compared to the pros, yet when you think about it, its still a lot of games, a lot of memories, a lot of emotions. Some I will never forget, some i will always cherish, some i wish had never happened, yet those memories make our life worth living, but they ve also caught up on me and i think i ve lost that extra step, that I used to go, when I was still in my prime about 2 years ago. Its not really that step, but that willingness to go that step. I m lacking it and maybe that is whats really worrying me, because that was what had me stand out from the crowd.
Well its 640 am and I really dont know what I m writing here. So i better call it a night.
I just wanna add that for some reason I m happy, yet empty inside. I dont feel pain, nor sorrow, yet I feel like there is something missing and I just cant figure out what it is.
Well maybe its just that i ve realized I should accept what i have and be happy about it, instead of fighting extra hard to get something i cant ever have.
To really finish this post, I just wanna say, that every word a person tells you is worth listening, cause it might tell their life story. And you listening to it, might make the difference in that persons life. Be sure to enjoy what you have, cause its all worth living for, even the sorrow and the pain. Everything you experience that is you, and you werent that person if it werent for those memories......
good night to everyone listenin
