Monday, February 25, 2008

pain keeps coming

I had a really great week with April and we had tons of fun and went to lots of places. She cheered me up a lot and made me get over some troubles, but now that she s gone its all coming back to me.

Its like people try to get me down, try to beat me up, try to prove me i m not strong enough.

So lots of upsets and disappointments have been going on this week, but also good things.

So I got my final two papers handed back to me. and i passed them, so panding two signatures, i will be able to start my thesis on friday and its going to be about american sports.. come on thats the field i m an expert in. i better not fail in that one ;)

anyways....i dont really feel like bloggin, I just needed to breath out.

So final statement for today is... You know that you need to see a doctor when your chest keeps hurting especially on your left side. I just hope its not a heartattack in the making. I guess I should really see a doctor.

See y all later

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Whats wrong with me

So yeah today is one of those crazy days, where life is just pulling you down. So its valentines day and my gf was supposed to get in today. Well higher powers (snowstorms prevented that)

Then also I m tryin to do a lot of things right now for baseball and everything seems to go wrong. I m just sick and tired.

Work. I m not even working right now. i lack motivation, drive and spirit.

I m in this state of mind again i thought i could never fall back too.
just everything upsets me.

So yes i should change something. just dont know what.

Friends. I barely see anybody theses days. what happened to me? I used to be the one around lots and lots of people. its not that i didnt have the chance to. Actually people keep askin me for appointments and i just dont get back to them.
i even dissappoint a lot of them cause i dont keep my promise of giving them a call or stuff. I just lack motivation for that too. if people wouldnt keep pushing me to go out i probably wouldnt at all.

I m still waiting on my prof to correct my papers and slowly time is running out, cause i have to hand them in by the 29th, which yes it is in 2 weeks. so i talked to him 2 day ago and they still werent done.

weight, i weigh as much as i have never in my life before...aaaaaahhhhhh

injuries. i m in severe pain all the time. Recently my heart started hurting too. I dont know if its a serious of heart attacks or something, but its really like someone is jumping on my chest all the time. It feels like its harder to breath and like i have to throw up.

Work outlook for the future... None....awesome right.

Well see i m back to my old self, the one i didnt like at all. I m gonna become a lazy bum without a job and without a future.

yes i ll be 27 soon, still not graduated, still living at home, without a job and without any perspective, isnt that what you re living for?

all the efforts you put into life, it seems like all the ones i made were wasted.

I m cleaning up my room and all those memories come back and i m throwing stuff out, normally a sign of me letting go, but then again maybe its also throwing away my identity. I m trying to sell of some stuff. even my dad is suprised i m trying to sell those things, but i guess its time, time to become an become an adult? no thats not really it. i dont even know what i should become. I m just upset all the time. and lately I ve even stopped pretending im good. Well for most part i still do it. but more often than before i just let my guard down cause its too much of an effort to keep blocking things out.

I m upset, disappointed and devastated these days. I ve lost my hope and desire. My drive an maybe even my joy. And then I should be happy about all I have instead of whinning whats going wrong.
At least I ll get to see my gf, well hopefully. Actually she is supposed to be leaving Toronto, the place i wanna move to in 15 minutes. and i really hope she can make it, cause i think i could really need a lift of my spirits.

anyways...sorry for this rant...its probably one of the saddest blogs ever, but i just had to write what i m feeling right now.

anyways, hoping for better day....rj