Monday, May 12, 2008


Once again I m in this room so crowded you can barely breath and you feel all alone dying for someone to come talk to you and take you out of that misery.

Tamia - Smile :
So i put on my make up put a smile on my face and if anyone ask me everything is ok imLaughing cuz no one knows the joke is on me cuz im dyin inside with my pride and a smile on myFace...on my face singing, la la la, la la, lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la laLaaaa

thats it for today.. see you all someday, sometimes, somewhere.....


The last couple of weeks have been really frustrating on me. Most of you know I play Baseball and I play it with passion and all my heart. To explain it in a different way. If it was hockey, I would be the one going to the boards and racing back to clean up in front of the goal. If it was football I was the one pushing for that extra inch. If its handball, I was the one taking all the elbows without complaining, just going back in every time. Ok maybe this isnt the best comparison. What I want to say though is that. I play the sport with passion. I run that extra step, give it that extra practice, I risk injuries, I waste my body, just so I can help my team. I work sooo hard to improve on things, but then everytime i try I dont see their effort and I get frustrated. I dont think there is a single player on this team, who gives such an effort and then I wasted my career and my body for it and it just upsets me. And then when I get mad, frustrated or depressed they act like i shouldnt be. Well cause they dont get frustrated, cause they dont even care, they dont put the effort in. They just show up and pretend they do it all, when they dont. There are guys that have so much talent and they waste it, while i dont have talent and try it all and I just wish i had their talent. Yes in that respect I am jealous, and I dont wanna be. But its so frustrating, putting in sooo much work and still not reaching their level. Although actually you should be 10times as good as them. I had the chance to go to another team and play higher, probably get better coaching and become a better player, but i stayed for them, cause I wanted to be part of this team and reach my goals with this team, but now is the time i start regretting it. Now I start thinking maybe I should have left them alone to their fate. I came back from a break, cause I was working abroad and its even harder for me know, cause I m banged up. Everything hurts even more as before as I m trying to get back into shape and it takes so freaking long and it frustrates me even more and then i hate to see how others just tell me i shouldnt be mad or angry at myself, which most of all i am angry at myself. And it just pisses me off how things have worked out. I mean I even tried to work out my throwing arm and batting motion in indonesia, so i would stay in shape. I did it in my freakin tiny room and apparently it hasnt worked. and i m just really upset about it.

Oh well, enough about this. I guess its my day to final let it all out...

Goodbye Grandpa

I hate to write this post, but my grandpa is about to pass away. He said he wants to be with my grandma in heavens and I think its good for him, so he will be happy again. Its just hard to say goodbye. Friday I said my farewells to him and I hope he understood what I was trying to say and I hope he felt my sincerity. And I hope he will forgive me for not being there as much as I could have.

I m sorry Grandpa and I really hope you ll have a better life on the other side and you that I still care even though it might not have seemed like it.

Goodbye..... I shall see you again one day

Letting it all out!!!!