Quote of the day

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.-Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)

Time to shut up - come back to blog

Dear blog,

......So, its time to come back here and blog instead of talkin to people. Why am I always stupid enough to try talkin to people, just to be hurt in the end. Everyone always thinks they are so smart and they know everything.

They tell me, they know exactly who i am and why i am the way i am. they have no f*** clue who i am and what i feel. Cause clearly if they did, they wouldnt act the way they do. So now time to shut up to the world again.

maybe i shouldnt write this hear, cause you can actually find this blog, searchin my name on google, but who cares.

So, yes time to shut up, cause people dont even know what they are sayin.

and lately talkin to people and openin up has actually made me care less. yes sounds weird, huh.

but maybe after all, i should listen to people, who tell me to be more selfish, to think of myself and do what i wanna do. maybe thats the way to be happy.

although if it is, then i wouldnt wanna be in this world, cause i dont wanna be happy if it means being selfish.

weird blog, huh? I guess its because its winter, i dont have baseball and right now i dont even have a job and university to keep me busy, cause I m just waiting for my exams in a couple of weeks and then for the real world. maybe then i ll be happier, cause i m busier and i wont have all this time to think.

but coming back to the point. Yes people trying to advice me, people telling me what i m doing wrong, never looking at themselves. how can someone never listening to anything tell me, i m not listening. how can someone that thinks i have to be there, everytime they are available, but all the time i m there they are not available and then later blame me for it.
how can people that arent happy tell me, that its all my fault, that i m feeling bad, when they are really the ones that arent feeling great themselves either and pretend they are well, but the next sentence tell me they feel empty.
STUPID you all are stupid or ignorant, or i dont know. just make me sick.

how can someone tell me they love me, when they dont even know me.
how can someone tell me to go out with them as bf/gf, when they ve only seen me once.
how can someone want to be with me, when we ve never even seen alone and live thousand of miles apart
whats wrong with you people.

Why do people go on a trip, when they constantly fight and scream so loud they lose their voice, why do they wanna pretend that everything is fine, when all they do is hate hate and make the people around them even more aggresiv.

Maybe i should just be selfish...fool around....do whatever i wanna do and just be like everyone else, who apparently is enjoying themselves. Just stop caring bout others, just wake up and live MY life.

yes i m feeling miserable, more than i have in a long long time. but thats the way i feel and if all you people, who say you care tell me, that i should stop complaining, cause its all my fault, when really all i need is someone to lend me a shoulder....then you can all go to h***...

so yes dear blog....its time to shut up to the world and come back to blockin everyone out, cause thats clearly what at least keeps me on a level where i can wake up in the morning and dont just wanna get drunk and knock my lights out......

Merry Christmas to you dear blog....merry christmas

HATE

I hate the world, i hate my life, i hate my friends, i hate myself....

life just sucks sometimes.

oh well tomorrow is gonna be a new day....

move on, move on, move away

Time flies these days. Its barely 10 days from christmas. I ll soon graduate. well i hope, i ve passed all those exams. Anyways......

A lot of people keep askin me these questions? What are you doing? Whats new? What are you up to?
And my answer would almost everytime be...nothing. My life is boring.

Well this is true on one side, cause it feels like its boring to me. Then there is so many things going on inside of me, that really keep my mind occupied.
I m just wondering, when.......just when........ when will i finally be able to move on.
Let go off the past, clear my mind. See my mind is controlling my whole life. From sleeping habbits...to moods....to practice....to studying.....to eating patterns....to even my sexual life....
its just wrong..you know...you re supposed to be able to let yourself go. Just stop thinkin for a while. I never can. Sometimes I really ponder, just getting wasted, so for a couple of mins i can be numb. Just dont feel my body no more.

well thats not workin either...cause the next day i d feel worse. anyways the point is. I should be better in self control and i should block my emotions even more. Yes its stupid, cause sometimes i feel numb towards other people. actually a lot of times. i dont even know what feelings towards others are sometimes.

So its gonna be decision time for me soon. in a lot of ways. more than i can put down here, but one of the most important ones is my job, which i hope i find, i just dont know where yet...but i guess, i ll find that out eventually.

anyways, unfortunately i have to cut this blog short, cause i need to go help out on baseball stuff.
i ll try to continue this later....maybe....